I needed to go to the farmers market today so I recruited my friend Tams who has a food blog and she was willing to go with me. Upon arrival, right out of the cage we saw two old people unloading their electric scooters and sporting twin “I love Jesus” baseball caps, which struck me as odd that they didn’t smile or greet us when we said hello. (Probably spent all their love on Jesus and had none left for regular people). Right away we were captivated by what looked like the biggest-ass grapefruits we had ever seen! We asked what they were and unexcitedly we were told they were Pomelos. They taste sweet and just a tad like a grapefruit, we bought two. Tams, a foodie, was there to take pics for her blog “Flip Flop Foodie” and she asked the gal, “What do you do with them?” (as in, share some creative culinary uses for this magical citrus delight!) The vendor looked at her like, “wtf do you THINK you do with it! You can cram it up your ass for all I care!” On to the booth where they sell the tiny little crinkle knit shiny tops that could fit folded into a matchbox. Down the produce aisle, a vendor quizzed Tams about where her bag was for the Pomelos (like she had stolen them), she quickly found me and bummed a bag off the sock lady booth. At the sock booth we were hacking around taking pics of the pomelos. (Tammy made a lovely set of knockers for herself and we spoofed the Twilight apple shot) The sock booth man became very interested in the Pomelos that he must see 100 times a day and asked us about them..after seeing us take boob shots with them I was afraid he was going to try to buy us a funnel cake and ask for a hummer. I do love the sock booth…you can get like 100 pair of “real” Nike socks for two bucks and this is valuable to me because my younguns go through them like Kleenex.
We stopped at the god-awful-gawdy “miracle” comb both that had the smallest mannequin head ever, made with real hair weave, when the clerk was all up in our business like we were going to steal them. I really was there to crack on them but the clerk killed my erection for making fun of them since she was almost glued to my ass. Last stop was the tweezer, dental instrument, scissor man booth where all of Polk’s dental do-it-yourselfer’s get the goods. I asked the man about uses for a 12” bent tweezer and he told me: Motor cycle part grabber, aquarium cleaner and pasta tester.. c’mon dude…we both know they are for meth cooking and for bootleg organ harvesting. The afternoon produced 2 pomellos, 2 pics, a sack of strawberries and some cherry tomatoes which I sat on in the car.
Today was my 1 week weigh-in day at Weight Watchers. I joined last week with a friend (her idea). I showed up for weigh in (she did not). In my planning of how to make the most of this day I wore the lightest clothes I could find. For good measure I put on a brand new pair of compression (torture drawers) panties that go clear up to my bra. I used the word compression lightly. What I really meant to say is that they were so hard to get on that I felt the fat surge up to my eyelids. I was so mad because those people (Walmart) must have mis-sized those jokers and put a small pair onto that hanger and sold them to me! Over them I wore some light weighed goucho-sorta-deal that forgot to land at my waist and spent the whole day north at the bra-line too. I prayed that I would make it through the day without dying because I know the paramedics would have a big time taking pictures of me for their Facebook pages with all of my clothes resting at my bra and them not being able to get it off of me without cutting them and having to do rock, paper, scissors to see would have the duty of cutting them and run the risk of a slingshot effect of my flubber.
Those panties are mean. Sinister. The whole reason why I bought them was to use as bathing suit bottoms under my new bathing suit top (tent). I decided that I would rather wear cowboy chaps to the beach (and nothing else) than to have to spend a day in the hot sun and sand with those unrelenting scratchy-ass britches! I did “save” them however, for when I am lighter. (That’s unless they get outlawed or the rapture comes before my “lighter” days happen)
You must be wondering about my weigh-in? I stepped right up there, took off my sweater, earrings, shoes, necklace, and rings. The weigh in lady looked at me like she didn’t trust that I wasn’t gonna get buck-ass-nekked. They didn’t kick me out. I get to come back next week and give them $13.
Our dog, who loves to chase lizards has run one of those damned things into my bedroom. I considered moving or setting the house on fire but I decided to take an antihistamine and go dead to bed instead hoping that the meds would put me into an anti-reptile sensory coma. No such luck. I inspected every corner of my bed an pillows, no sign of that green bastard. I looked around the room for any sign of that Geico-looking-son-of-a-gun. Nothing. I sealed my ass up in that bed and was so tucked in that I was collecting condensation under the sheets. Sleep came.
2:00 a.m.. I bolted up with the strangest tickle on my décolletage. I started flappin’ and slappin’ my chest and undercarriage so hard that I literally snatched a knot on myself. I flung every stitch of clothes off and sprinted through the house screaming “Oh GOD! It’s Got Me!” The dog, awoken at his post in the family room, thought I was a chubby naked intruder in the dark and bit me right on the ass. The bite broke my run and I remembered that the wall made a “splat” as my first round of titty-slaps sent Mr. Lizard into space.
Beat up, bitten and unclothed I went back to my room to see if I could find him. He was gone. I decided I’d spend the next few nights on the couch and wait for him to be eaten by the dog. They deserve each other.
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Saturday and here I sit waiting for kid #2 to play basketball in borrowed shoes because he left his outside in the rain. I’d rather get a public pap smear than watch 2 hours of reluctant basketball today. Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch my boys enjoy sports, but this kid would rather be watching YouTube and eating Sour Patch Kids. Did I mention I am missing yard sales? Did I mention that I have a garage full of French Provential furniture yearning for chalk paint? Did I mention that it’s a sunny and gorgeous day in Florida in January?…. It is. Don’t hate.