Panty Hospice

My Sam’s Club panties have been good to me for a long time.  I bought me a big batch of them (like a  hillbilly cousins amount) a year before we moved a short spell to Hickory, North Carolina. (2006). I’m pretty sure Sam’s still carries them but I made sure I had a plenty.  Let me tell you about these underwear:  They are made out of this microfiber knit that stretches (key, if you are plump) and they aren’t too high in the waist or thigh (again, KEY, if you like taters).  They are in attractive, muted colors (No brain surgery if polka dots will show through your ensemble).  They’ve always been there for me.  I’ve raised my boys in those undies, have carried a brand new pair in my glove box for years in case of emergencies, used them as a tankini bottom in a pinch one time and so much more.  I’ve treated them terrible:  I’ve washed them in hot water, dried them on roaster setting, and still they look and act like new….all these years…

Until Saturday. 

Saturday I was sportin’ this tie dyed maxi skirt (don’t laugh, I can pull it off) as I sashayed my way into the magical doors of Walmart. (Now you know how some of the “People of Walmart” become famous…ask any heifer in a tie dyed maxi skirt.) I felt a feeling that I haven’t felt since my Mama bought me irregular underwear…a cheek was exposed.   You know how you do that little wiggle thinking that the wiggle might take the place of you actually using hands to reposition the garment and it never works?  Yeah, I did that.  A flood of panic came over me..could my long time faithfuls be sending me the sign that they are finaly waving the white flag and giving up?  Have they knowledge of an expiration date that I have not been privy to?

I went about my errands knowing that EVERYONE to my south could see my very crooked smile.  I tried to play it off by doing these odd semi-twirls like I had had a bowl of  Ecstasy pills for breakfact.  It didnt help that my shopping list included paint thinner and lighter fluid. 

When I got home I was sad that these were the last go-round for the faithful friends and that they’d be admitted to Panty Hospice to wait out the days until they became a duster, tree stake tie or (most likely) a paint rag.

I do hope that Sam’s Club still carries these…I’d hate to buy irregular ones again with a too big leg hole and a too tight leg hole and the seams so crooked that you cant tell which side is front or back.



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