My house is cursed. Surely I have pissed off a witch or warlock in recent years…It’s the only thing that would explain the events that have occurred this year in my 1998 house. Nothing surprises me anymore in regards to the damned place crumbling at my cankles. If I were to wake up with my panties on my head and an eyebrow shaved off I’d just lay in the knowing that the cursed house has acted-a-fool again.
Some months ago, I walked into our home office to see a wave of water flow out from under the wall that shares our shower. Evidently the pipe decided to take a vacation whilst the shower pan decided she was not going to take up the slack. Luckily I have been an excellent insurance customer with no claims and I called it in. So, I needed plumbing work, wall remediation, carpentry and new carpet and pad in the office. My deductible was $1000. The adjuster said the cost of the repairs was $999. Really, dude? As you can see, The carpet got cut away and not replaced and everything else was on our dime too. Great.
We’ve been hearing the pitter patter of little feet. Nope, no one has had a baby… there is something (or a family or Klan of somethings) living in our attic. Why is it that no one is concerned but me?! I keep thinking they’ll come out of an a/c vent at me and I’ll die of heart failure, that they are multiplying and using my attic as a port-a-pooper and that sometimes the footsteps are so large that I swear it’s a baby Bullafuss up there! I laid 12 feet worth of glue traps, 6 traps, a cage, poison enough to make Shaque woozy and I caught two rats. I think the monsters put the rats in the traps just to throw me. They are up there in the attic eating the Cheeze Doodles that went missing last week and watching the iPad that I can’t find and having a big ol’ time up there.
Lastly, I started making this list of needed fixing and maintenance issues in hopes to guilt the hubs into helping me get shit fixed. Evidently he only saw it as a game because he was damned-near-tickled-to-death to shout, “Hey! Add cabinet door magnets to the list!” last night. What have I done?
So hells bells y’all, let me go get on my tool belt (duct tape, zip ties and E-6000) and blow torch and take care of some of this mess.