What I would tell a girl in her twenties today:
1.) Cheese and chocolate are really just clever disguises for belly fat and cellulite…and I am pretty sure they sneak crack in it (to be addictive). Don’t eat it.
2.) Never buy your first pair of granny panties- they will embed themselves into your DNA and you will spend the rest of your life in cotton undies the size of a twin size fitted sheet. When you fold clothes and pull a pair out of the dryer you will swear the dryer made them twice as large and half as sexy.
3.) As long as you can get up onto a bar and cutely yell a “woo hoo”, do it!
4.) If you come to the point in life where you start a planter garden by turning old buckets into aloe planters your libido is fixin’ to exit stage left.
5.) While you still can, answer the door topless as often as you have time for and surprize everyone who rings the doorbell. Later it will be ugly- trust me.
6.) Never wear SPANX if you plan a romantic evening, you’ll either kill him with the unleash or the sheer sight of what a woman looks like coming out of a SPANX.
6.) Don’t label one of your Pinterest boards “Creepy things I want to do to people” (Sure enough, Facebook will grab it and post it to your wall).
7.) Don’t bother with wine coolers or wine spritzers, we all know what we’re there for.
8.) Don’t wear dark lip liner, it’s super rediculous but funny.
9.) Don’t tell your girlfriends all of your dark secrets. Make up heinous secrets and share a couple to each friend. When they start spreading them no story will match, so the jokes on them.